Managing boredom in a long term relationship

Why are you bored?

Most of us have experienced the wild, out of control feeling at the beginning of a new romance. Our heart races, we get that addictive adrenaline rush, and all we want to do is be with that person. This is passion at its most intense and it’s addictive and exciting.

However, this level of intensity declines in most romantic relationships after about 12 to 18 months. This period of magical excitement is also what’s known as the honeymoon phase. It’s inevitable and normal that the pitch of excitement wanes after time.

A decline in excitement is a reality and there is a very logical reason for this. At the beginning of a relationship, passionate love is high because everything is new and stimulating. You’re learning interesting and exciting information about your partner every day, which fuels the passion.

In order to fall in love, one has a tendency to idealize one’s partner and see them through “rose-coloured glasses.” As time goes on, you take off the rose-coloured glasses off and begin to notice their imperfections — and trust me, everyone has flaws.  That’s why love is blind. You wouldn’t fall in love in the first place unless you could overlook the flaws.

Many couples ask, “What happened to the days when we couldn’t wait to rip our clothes off?” Once novelty and mystery wear off and the everyday activities settle in, the excitement and sexual desire are bound to fade.

Sometimes familiarity can lead one to believe that you’re headed toward a sexless, boring, or very dull love life. What is often overlooked is that this familiarity can be deeply comforting and encompasses support, intimacy, and friendship.

Understanding how passion works is a key secret to making your relationship last. It allows you to have completely different expectations of yourself, your relationship, and your partner.

It is possible to rekindle the passion and sexual desire by adding three behaviours back into the relationship: newness, mystery, and arousal — the same behaviours that created the passion in the first place.

Signs of boredom

The unprecedented times that we are currently living in – Covid, which means that couples have been cooped up together and seeing one in different contexts. These range from homeschooling children, extra duties and responsibilities, undue financial and emotional strains.

Feel like you love one another but you aren’t in love

Getting into a rut

Developing workaholic tendencies

Hiding behind things like over developed parental roles/responsibilities

Taking one another for granted

Loss of respect

Outgrowing one another – This is a stark reality that often happens at midlife. You fitted well together when you were younger. Now you realize that there are a lack of shared values and interests and you haven’t actually grown together.

What are the signs of boredom in a relationship?

Becoming distant from one another

Lack of communication

Lack of shared interest

Doing your own thing

Becoming a workaholic can be a sign of wanting to avoid your partner

Developing hobbies and outside interests to the exclusion of the other

Affairs – both emotional and physical which inevitably arise from a lack of intimacy

What can you do?

You both need to have the willingness to want to spend time together, the intent to do so. Tend to your relationship, like it’s a garden, it needs sunshine, water, weeding and care.

Schedule time together – As a couple, such a regular date night. It might initially seem forced but it’s important to make time together as a couple.

Change something in the bedroom, mix it up, and be open to new ideas.

Share hobbies/interest but also have your own, so that there are interesting, new stimuli.

Be curious about each other’s lives, this means communicating, re-engaging with one another, talking about your respective issues and interests. This can be as simple as going on a regular walk together.

Start with re engaging with the small things, these are the things that have the potential to reconnect you.

Flirt, be playful, and don’t get too caught up in the serious side of life.